Oh your fucking God

Alright people who think they know everything about everything, you don't. Especially all you God fearing people who say condoms and birth control aren't natural. Of course they aren't, but neither is the computer you are reading this on, the clothes you are wearing, the car you drive to work, or the building you work in. So you can all just shut the fuck up and let people make their own choices. Just because somebody decides they want to have sex and not have a baby doesn't mean they don't love God or the person they are having sex with, it just means they don't want a baby and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. What if the mother and baby would die because the mom's body can't handle the stress of carrying a child? Should she just not have sex her whole life or risk her life for 15 minutes of fun and love? She shouldn't have to make that choice just because her church says it's not right.

This is why I don't do the whole church, organized reliigion, bible thing. It's bullshit. If God is real he doesn't care if you go to church or read the Bible. He cares that you are true to yourself and trust in Him.

running in the sun can burn your shit

So once upon a time there was this girl, she was nothing super special or anything, just a girl. One day during the summer after her freshman year she was hanging out with her friend Ashley. Ashley had another friend she wanted to hangout with so they went to her house

2 years later lauren is a fucking bitch and a half.

you know those times where you just want to punch everybody in the face? well taylor makes me feel like that all the time. yea pretty much all i have to say is he's a giant fucking douchebag

i'm a mommy and he's the daddy

taylor decook.

so many things i want to say but just can't put into words, a lot of it isn't very nice either. he really just pisses me off to no end, and i drive myself fucking crazy because even though he does, i still always want him around. i suppose that's where i went wrong. i get all wrapped up in how absolutely perfect he seems to me and am completely blind to flaws. actually only one flaw, he wants absolutely nothing to do with me at all. it's just hard ya know? like, today i was suppose to go hangout with him before he had to work and we had like planned it yesterday, and i knew he didn't exactly want me to come over there but he was at least trying to be nice for once so i wasn't going to waste the opportunity. so i text him when i'm getting ready to go and i'm like "so is it still ok if i come over?" and he gets all shitty like i'm the fucking grim reaper or some shit, so i decided fine i just won't go, then i guess he felt bad or something and was like whatever just come over sorry i got all shitty. so as you may have guess at this point i feel really wanted, ha. so i'm driving and i pull out on lima and i just have a complete break down and ball the whole time i'm driving over there. as i'm coming up to his road and i see his house i get all "i don't need him" and decide "you know what, i'm just not going. i'm gonna keep on driving and not say anything to him about it all." so that's, sorta, what i did. went right past the road, i did only go like 6 miles up lima until i decided that if i didn't go over there at all i would just end up all upset later and be all shitty with myself. so i went over there but i still was carrying around that "i don't need him" attitude, and like didn't sit by him while we watched the movie. while i was sitting there though, i kept thinking "you know i'm just gonna be upset if i don't go sit by him at all." but i just couldn't bring myself to go over by him. i didn't feel like lazy at all though just i wouldn't let myself sit by him. eventually though my back started to kill and i had to move by him so i could lay down. but even now i cold really care less that i didn't sit by him longer. when i got home i was thinking about it and stuff and i came up with my actual feelings about taylor. i really like him, like more than i really let on to anybody no matter how much they think i like him. but the thing is, i like just liking him a whole fuck ton, i don't want to date him like i thought and like i told him. if i dated him i would end up eventually, i'm just guessing here, not liking him quite as much. right now just want to be friends with him and that's it. but when i say friends, i mean like actual friends not this shit like i talk to him once a week if i'm lucky. so i want more than i have now, but not nearly as much as he thinks i want from him. and you know, being the mother of his child i think i at least deserve the friends thing.

babies...

couple of current facts that I now call fate:

• I'm pregnant


• Taylor Decook is the papa


• I am due May fourth

now the reason I find these to be fate: I was just reading an old blog and it said that I was thinking about Taylor and then I said i randomly thought of Juno songs, and Juno is due May fourth, same day as me. weird huh?

nutter butters and bracelet making!

so much to write, no time, no idea how to say it all. i did bad things this summer, but i don't want to talk about my biggest no-no. i didn't go to one party, i didn't play in the sand, i didn't tan, i didn't take long walks with my best friend and obsess over people's grass. i didn't sneak out but once or twice. long story short, SUMMER SUCKED. i was all excited to have my car and shit for the summer, being able to do anything i wanted when i wanted. it didn't happen at all. anything exciting that happened seems soo long ago, the summer flew by without ever really starting. its sad really. this is my second to last high school summer break and i did nothing. i know its totally my fault but mother nature really fucked me up this time around by making it all not summery.
oh well though i suppose can't change it now. i guess i have to make the best of my school year. it should be an exciting one to say the least. scary stuffs about to happen. i hear its going to be my hardest year, my god-daughter is going to be born, i need to get a job. also so far its weird, i'm not as shy, i don't give a FUCK what people think, i seem to already have more friends, i'm not after 2472354 guys. i just sorta feel like i'm getting a hold of life now. i can't say i'm growing up because only those with the mind of a child think they will grow up. life's coming fast and i actually think i'm ready for it. i know what i want to do and will do anything to get there.

also trevor baldwin is pretty much one of the most amazing people i know and i take back 99% of any bad things i said about him, and apologize for the other 1%

ode to the teenage brain

what is it about the mind that compels us to do the most idiotic shit?

(insert cliche here)

i got redbull and vodka up in my haaaand.

you look kinda cute in that polka-dot bakini girrrrrl.

this what i wanna do, take off that polka-dot bakini girrrrrl.

drink all dayyy, play all niiight, let's get it poppin'.

i'm in miami biiiitch.

and that is how i feel currently. now if only that was what was actually happening. sadly it's not, instead i'm on the phone with fucking new york nick, who seems to get more annoying everytime i talk to him. i wish he didn't but he does. finally! he's done. mmk anyway things have been weird as of late. let me count the reasons why:

1. my mood- soo unusual, i find EVERYBODY annoying as fuck. i never want to be around everybody i love and am familiar with. i do want to be around strangers who i don't know at all, and don't really want to. i just want them there for me to do what i please with.

2. my feelings toward the male race: i actually brok up with somebody for me. not them, me. and i did it so he doesn't hate me. i also, for once, am not even interested in going after anybody. what happens, happens.

3. what happened when i was dating him: usually i'm like a total whore with my men, but we didn't even make out, just kisses. soo weird. i didn't even want to do anything else.

4. jealousy factor: seeing couples, excluding one, doesn't make me hate them of the fact that i don't have what they do. i see them, excluding one, and think of how cute they are, then secretly wish them luck. whereas before, i passed out dirty looks like it was my fucking job and wanted to stab them for liking eachother. but but but, little things that never, well not often, bothered me before eat me away.

5. i don't want sex: yea i know weirrrrrrrd. like, don't get me wrong, if it was offered at the right time by anybody from a select list, i would sooo go for it. but, i'm not like chasing it, and i happy with that. please do NOT make comments on this, because i will punch you.

6. my head: i seriously considered shaving my head. i also am planning on hitting up wally world and buying some color and going for a change. yes my mom will FUCKING FREAK, but i don't even really care. it's my hair, if she doesnt like it that's not my problem. i mean what can she really do? ground me? psh i'll still leave when i want.

7. that ^: when did i start actually not caring?

mmk well the list is longer but i don't feel like going on.

get on yo knees bitch.

PARTY.

my birthday is in...29 days[:

and what am i gonna do until then?

PARTY.

then?

PARTY.

after then?

PARTY.

yes yes yes, i love to party, and the word party.

Saran wrap Ashley also loves to party. her and and an

ex of her's happen to love drinking then sex with uhh,

well you can guess the reason she is called Saran wrap Ashley.

gahh honestly. when will i stop laughing at that?

NEVER.

oh oh oh!

taylor decook. aka current object of my affection.

hahahhaha for some reason i just thought of Juno songs.

gahh that kid is amazing.

Dig it.

i want summer sooo bad right now. i'm tired of this stupid snow and cold and not being able to open the windows. grr.

but but but

on a much happier note, my birthday is in 34 days

so that's pretty exciting. and and and im over trevor. i decided that i dont want him back i just want somebody and he was an easy target at the time. but now i have my eye on somebody new, well actually 2 people but one more than the other. and no, neither one is david, because i also decided that david is like my brother.

i really have a lot that i want to say but now i cant

think of any of it and that makes me mad

but oh well.

Gahhhh

Now. I am honestly going to keep my resolution now. I know why I like sleeping around and it's stupid. I'm always second in all my friendships, I feel like they're always better than me and they know it. All of them are prettier, skinnier, funnier, nicer, you name it and its better than me. What did I have going for me? Guys wanted sex from me, and not them. They get the realtionships with the good guys, and I get the sex. Even when I want a relationship I can't get it. I'm still second but sex makes me feel like shit now, so now I've got nothing going for me.

Fuckadamnbitchuptheass.

Godfuckingshitdamn.

Once upon a time, life fucking sucks.

The End

FunFact: Fort Wayne is the 3rd most sexually satisfied city in the United States, Indianapolis is the 1st. Go Indiana.

My New Year's Resolution:
not to be such a whore.

How's it working?
not 100% great.

Why not?
I like sex.

I mean I haven't had any since ohh, New Year's Eve, but I definantly have been planning with quite a few kiddos. Honestly though, I can't help it. I knew the first time I did it I would never be able to stop. As I type, I'm texting two kids who I'm planning on fucking in the near future. The other day my mom came in and was talking to me about how all guys are interested in is sex, and the whole time I was thinking, 1) that's not true, I can think of at least 3 exapmles of guys who aren't, and 2) what if that's all I'm interested in? I mean yea, I really super like a kid right now who i don't want to do anything with yet cause I honestly like him. On the other hand though, get me talking to the right person and I just can't help myself.

I would like to welcome you to my life.

So, heres the current happs. haha I love that word. So anyway, Brittany and Jackie moved yesterday/today to GodFuckingFarAwayNowhere, and I'm pretty upset. Like I almost started crying in Spanish today, yea I fucking love those two like they don't even know. Things with Trevor and I are, one could say, on the rocks. I talked to Jennifer today more than i have like total in the past two weeks and that was huge 20 mins, with her Trevor right there. Dre, possibly the greastest kid I have ever met, is having a wayyyyy rough time and I don't know what to do cause it's so bad he won't even tell me what happened and he pretty much tells me everything, so needless to say I'm worried. My favorite red pants have a huge hole near the crotch. My new birth control gives me migranes like you wouldn't believe. And I'm sure there is more i could add to that list but I think I'm gonna stop. On a a much happier note, I'm now frequently flirting with David, not that it's ever gonna go anywhere but I live to flirt so it's fun. Ashley and I are spending tons of time together, which is pretty great cause I love love love that girl. I might party with Ash Martin this weekend. I prolly will go to Chudz this weekend. And many other happy things. Still though, I hate change on this scale.

The world burns bright with the smell of an apple blossom[:

!

To say the least, TODAY WAS FUCKING AMAZING. I don't just mean like the "day", but like since roughly 1 this morning. Why?

The short version:
1. got my best friend back baby
2. took the 2 easiest finals ever
3. have tons classes with most of my loves
4. i could actually eat lunch
5. i still have bio with ash martin
6. trevor looked pretty damn atractive
7. trevor took me home
8. trevor told his girl he's not over me
9. trevor told me he probably will break up with megan for me

If you count every little detail, that list would be 8 miles long. Over the last few weeks I have really figured out the people that I honestly need, and the ones I don't. I really think 2009 is my year loves. Gahh I hate saying what I think, but it's chill cause I have to.

:D!

i don't think i want another best friend ever again, to be quite honest.

i really cant believe her. like really, she's suppose to be my best friend. well she's not, and it's really stupid that something that could have been so small of an issue got hidden, and now just exploded in my face. like i don't even care that she did it, it's the fact that she didn't tell me and didn't plan on telling me. AND she told trevor fucking goodin, who she thinks of as more of a friend anyway, but lies through her fucking teeth telling him she loves him more than anything. but he knows, whats worse is i found out from him, while making myself look like an ass because i trusted her to tell me everything. she said she did, but she didn't. fuck this shit, best friend is just a stupid title you give to the person who can hurt you the most, and she did. good job jennifer fucking kunklbitch, you filled the position great.

how i long to say what i want and make it sound how i want. i want to be a writer, but obviously cant be.

you know that something inside of you still

plays a part in what i do always

the opening lyrics to my new found favorite song. it is not a song it is me. of course you may not think that because all music is left to the listeners interpretation. the irony is the person who showed me the song is currently the one who is playing the biggest part of me in way he will never know. i very recently finished a book titled Just Listen, by far one of the top books i have read. this book changed me, it changed how i think, how i feel, how i talk, how i react, how i am. it really is weird because its the typical story line, girl has problems, girl meets boy, boy helps girl with problems, boy and girl are together. but the girls problems seemed so close to my life even though they arent, i mean i dont have a mother whos obsessed with what i do, or a sister with an eating disorder. but her problem, her own problem that nobody knows, was so much like my own the story just hit me. its too personal to be on here but read it and you will know i guess. but the way she keeps everything in and trys to keep everybody around her happy by not doing anything really is how i am. and i knew i was like that but it never clicked how much it was effecting me in everything i do. seeing it being the exact same for a different person, just being put in a different perspective, is what really got me thinking. i am where i am, because of who i am not because of anybody else. its why writing on here in a sensible order or fashion is sooo insanely hard, because i dont know how to say how i feel or what i want. now that i say i am changed, i dont mean over night i became totally different. its a process that im going through, taking what comes as it comes, day by day, changing little by little, but at the same time so quickly. im not sure what im even trying to say here. all i know is this time im not just saying im changing, i actually am. for me.

watering an apple blossom with tears

hey little apple blosssom

what seems to be the problem

all the ones you tell your troubles to

they dont really care for you

come and tell me what your thinking

cause just when the boat is sinking

a little light is blinking

and i will come and rescue you

lots of girls walk around in tears

but thats not for you

you been looking all around for years

for someone to tell your troubles to

come and sit with me and talk a while

let me see your pretty little smile

put your troubles in a littel pile

and i will sort them out for you

i'll fall in love with you

i think i'll marry you.

damn song gets me crying everytime. so does the stupid picture that i can't seem to take off my fucking wall.

Hollister pajama pants and a Girl Scout t-shirt

"I don't think your girlfriend can be your best friend."

I have many opinions about that statement, but no way to convey them. I mean, what can I really say to that? Especially when I already have a hard time saying what I think.

Things I think that you don't know about.

These are my opinions and random things that I want to say but can't.

I have told people I am a compulsive liar, but I really am not, does lying about it make me a compulsive liar?
I try really hard to make people happy with me, but I don't do that for the people I live with.
I get super annoyed at the human population and their abundance of ignorance.
I lie a lot to certain people, but not at all to others, but that makes it really hard for them to believe I don't lie to them.
I think a lot of what will eventually go on this list will be taken the wrong way, and thats why I would never say it out loud.
I sometimes think that I am over-looked as a friend, and that I'm just sorta their for people if they don't have anything better, I'm like a filler.
I'm really scared of the dark, but it's my favorite place to be.
I'm not gonna lie, I think I am two-faced, but not in a bad way, even though that sounds funny. Like I act a way around certain people that I don't around others but that's just because of comfort levels, and I sorta see that as being two-faced.
I almost never assert my opinion because I got tired of always being told I was wrong, and everybody arguing with me over it.
I basically suck at relationships of any kind.
Nobody really knows me and I think that's why I don't really know me.
I think a lot of people argue so other people will think they are right even if they aren't, but I honestly will only argue with you if you are honestly wrong, and if I happen to have been mistaken I will openly admit it.
I don't like be honestly happy because when I am I feel like nothing bad can happen so I say things that other people take offence in.
Sometimes I think I care too much about how other people feel, and other times I feel like I don't care nearly enough.
I have guilt issues, like I will feel wayy too guilty about things that are really nothing to worry about.
I have a complex about taking the last of anything.
I think too much of the world is way too close-minded, chances are I think you are close-minded.
My house is really haunted.
I make up a lot of things I say are facts or statistics but then come to find out they are actually true.
If people really have former lives, I think I was Abraham Lincoln in my former life
I think government is in the top 5 of "Most Retarded Things Ever" list.
Number one on that list though, is organized religion.
I think believing in God is a waist of time, but the belief in greater good is what makes great people.
I think high school debate teams are pointless because cause anything they debate about is not even worth the time or energy.
Someday I want to sit in a Walmart all day and take notes on the way people behave and interact.
I think organization is all in how you look at it.

More will be written.