Gahhhh

Now. I am honestly going to keep my resolution now. I know why I like sleeping around and it's stupid. I'm always second in all my friendships, I feel like they're always better than me and they know it. All of them are prettier, skinnier, funnier, nicer, you name it and its better than me. What did I have going for me? Guys wanted sex from me, and not them. They get the realtionships with the good guys, and I get the sex. Even when I want a relationship I can't get it. I'm still second but sex makes me feel like shit now, so now I've got nothing going for me.

Fuckadamnbitchuptheass.

Godfuckingshitdamn.

Once upon a time, life fucking sucks.

The End

FunFact: Fort Wayne is the 3rd most sexually satisfied city in the United States, Indianapolis is the 1st. Go Indiana.

My New Year's Resolution:
not to be such a whore.

How's it working?
not 100% great.

Why not?
I like sex.

I mean I haven't had any since ohh, New Year's Eve, but I definantly have been planning with quite a few kiddos. Honestly though, I can't help it. I knew the first time I did it I would never be able to stop. As I type, I'm texting two kids who I'm planning on fucking in the near future. The other day my mom came in and was talking to me about how all guys are interested in is sex, and the whole time I was thinking, 1) that's not true, I can think of at least 3 exapmles of guys who aren't, and 2) what if that's all I'm interested in? I mean yea, I really super like a kid right now who i don't want to do anything with yet cause I honestly like him. On the other hand though, get me talking to the right person and I just can't help myself.

I would like to welcome you to my life.

So, heres the current happs. haha I love that word. So anyway, Brittany and Jackie moved yesterday/today to GodFuckingFarAwayNowhere, and I'm pretty upset. Like I almost started crying in Spanish today, yea I fucking love those two like they don't even know. Things with Trevor and I are, one could say, on the rocks. I talked to Jennifer today more than i have like total in the past two weeks and that was huge 20 mins, with her Trevor right there. Dre, possibly the greastest kid I have ever met, is having a wayyyyy rough time and I don't know what to do cause it's so bad he won't even tell me what happened and he pretty much tells me everything, so needless to say I'm worried. My favorite red pants have a huge hole near the crotch. My new birth control gives me migranes like you wouldn't believe. And I'm sure there is more i could add to that list but I think I'm gonna stop. On a a much happier note, I'm now frequently flirting with David, not that it's ever gonna go anywhere but I live to flirt so it's fun. Ashley and I are spending tons of time together, which is pretty great cause I love love love that girl. I might party with Ash Martin this weekend. I prolly will go to Chudz this weekend. And many other happy things. Still though, I hate change on this scale.

The world burns bright with the smell of an apple blossom[:

!

To say the least, TODAY WAS FUCKING AMAZING. I don't just mean like the "day", but like since roughly 1 this morning. Why?

The short version:
1. got my best friend back baby
2. took the 2 easiest finals ever
3. have tons classes with most of my loves
4. i could actually eat lunch
5. i still have bio with ash martin
6. trevor looked pretty damn atractive
7. trevor took me home
8. trevor told his girl he's not over me
9. trevor told me he probably will break up with megan for me

If you count every little detail, that list would be 8 miles long. Over the last few weeks I have really figured out the people that I honestly need, and the ones I don't. I really think 2009 is my year loves. Gahh I hate saying what I think, but it's chill cause I have to.

:D!

i don't think i want another best friend ever again, to be quite honest.

i really cant believe her. like really, she's suppose to be my best friend. well she's not, and it's really stupid that something that could have been so small of an issue got hidden, and now just exploded in my face. like i don't even care that she did it, it's the fact that she didn't tell me and didn't plan on telling me. AND she told trevor fucking goodin, who she thinks of as more of a friend anyway, but lies through her fucking teeth telling him she loves him more than anything. but he knows, whats worse is i found out from him, while making myself look like an ass because i trusted her to tell me everything. she said she did, but she didn't. fuck this shit, best friend is just a stupid title you give to the person who can hurt you the most, and she did. good job jennifer fucking kunklbitch, you filled the position great.

how i long to say what i want and make it sound how i want. i want to be a writer, but obviously cant be.

you know that something inside of you still

plays a part in what i do always

the opening lyrics to my new found favorite song. it is not a song it is me. of course you may not think that because all music is left to the listeners interpretation. the irony is the person who showed me the song is currently the one who is playing the biggest part of me in way he will never know. i very recently finished a book titled Just Listen, by far one of the top books i have read. this book changed me, it changed how i think, how i feel, how i talk, how i react, how i am. it really is weird because its the typical story line, girl has problems, girl meets boy, boy helps girl with problems, boy and girl are together. but the girls problems seemed so close to my life even though they arent, i mean i dont have a mother whos obsessed with what i do, or a sister with an eating disorder. but her problem, her own problem that nobody knows, was so much like my own the story just hit me. its too personal to be on here but read it and you will know i guess. but the way she keeps everything in and trys to keep everybody around her happy by not doing anything really is how i am. and i knew i was like that but it never clicked how much it was effecting me in everything i do. seeing it being the exact same for a different person, just being put in a different perspective, is what really got me thinking. i am where i am, because of who i am not because of anybody else. its why writing on here in a sensible order or fashion is sooo insanely hard, because i dont know how to say how i feel or what i want. now that i say i am changed, i dont mean over night i became totally different. its a process that im going through, taking what comes as it comes, day by day, changing little by little, but at the same time so quickly. im not sure what im even trying to say here. all i know is this time im not just saying im changing, i actually am. for me.