i'm a mommy and he's the daddy

taylor decook.

so many things i want to say but just can't put into words, a lot of it isn't very nice either. he really just pisses me off to no end, and i drive myself fucking crazy because even though he does, i still always want him around. i suppose that's where i went wrong. i get all wrapped up in how absolutely perfect he seems to me and am completely blind to flaws. actually only one flaw, he wants absolutely nothing to do with me at all. it's just hard ya know? like, today i was suppose to go hangout with him before he had to work and we had like planned it yesterday, and i knew he didn't exactly want me to come over there but he was at least trying to be nice for once so i wasn't going to waste the opportunity. so i text him when i'm getting ready to go and i'm like "so is it still ok if i come over?" and he gets all shitty like i'm the fucking grim reaper or some shit, so i decided fine i just won't go, then i guess he felt bad or something and was like whatever just come over sorry i got all shitty. so as you may have guess at this point i feel really wanted, ha. so i'm driving and i pull out on lima and i just have a complete break down and ball the whole time i'm driving over there. as i'm coming up to his road and i see his house i get all "i don't need him" and decide "you know what, i'm just not going. i'm gonna keep on driving and not say anything to him about it all." so that's, sorta, what i did. went right past the road, i did only go like 6 miles up lima until i decided that if i didn't go over there at all i would just end up all upset later and be all shitty with myself. so i went over there but i still was carrying around that "i don't need him" attitude, and like didn't sit by him while we watched the movie. while i was sitting there though, i kept thinking "you know i'm just gonna be upset if i don't go sit by him at all." but i just couldn't bring myself to go over by him. i didn't feel like lazy at all though just i wouldn't let myself sit by him. eventually though my back started to kill and i had to move by him so i could lay down. but even now i cold really care less that i didn't sit by him longer. when i got home i was thinking about it and stuff and i came up with my actual feelings about taylor. i really like him, like more than i really let on to anybody no matter how much they think i like him. but the thing is, i like just liking him a whole fuck ton, i don't want to date him like i thought and like i told him. if i dated him i would end up eventually, i'm just guessing here, not liking him quite as much. right now just want to be friends with him and that's it. but when i say friends, i mean like actual friends not this shit like i talk to him once a week if i'm lucky. so i want more than i have now, but not nearly as much as he thinks i want from him. and you know, being the mother of his child i think i at least deserve the friends thing.

babies...

couple of current facts that I now call fate:

• I'm pregnant


• Taylor Decook is the papa


• I am due May fourth

now the reason I find these to be fate: I was just reading an old blog and it said that I was thinking about Taylor and then I said i randomly thought of Juno songs, and Juno is due May fourth, same day as me. weird huh?

nutter butters and bracelet making!

so much to write, no time, no idea how to say it all. i did bad things this summer, but i don't want to talk about my biggest no-no. i didn't go to one party, i didn't play in the sand, i didn't tan, i didn't take long walks with my best friend and obsess over people's grass. i didn't sneak out but once or twice. long story short, SUMMER SUCKED. i was all excited to have my car and shit for the summer, being able to do anything i wanted when i wanted. it didn't happen at all. anything exciting that happened seems soo long ago, the summer flew by without ever really starting. its sad really. this is my second to last high school summer break and i did nothing. i know its totally my fault but mother nature really fucked me up this time around by making it all not summery.
oh well though i suppose can't change it now. i guess i have to make the best of my school year. it should be an exciting one to say the least. scary stuffs about to happen. i hear its going to be my hardest year, my god-daughter is going to be born, i need to get a job. also so far its weird, i'm not as shy, i don't give a FUCK what people think, i seem to already have more friends, i'm not after 2472354 guys. i just sorta feel like i'm getting a hold of life now. i can't say i'm growing up because only those with the mind of a child think they will grow up. life's coming fast and i actually think i'm ready for it. i know what i want to do and will do anything to get there.

also trevor baldwin is pretty much one of the most amazing people i know and i take back 99% of any bad things i said about him, and apologize for the other 1%

ode to the teenage brain

what is it about the mind that compels us to do the most idiotic shit?

(insert cliche here)

i got redbull and vodka up in my haaaand.

you look kinda cute in that polka-dot bakini girrrrrl.

this what i wanna do, take off that polka-dot bakini girrrrrl.

drink all dayyy, play all niiight, let's get it poppin'.

i'm in miami biiiitch.

and that is how i feel currently. now if only that was what was actually happening. sadly it's not, instead i'm on the phone with fucking new york nick, who seems to get more annoying everytime i talk to him. i wish he didn't but he does. finally! he's done. mmk anyway things have been weird as of late. let me count the reasons why:

1. my mood- soo unusual, i find EVERYBODY annoying as fuck. i never want to be around everybody i love and am familiar with. i do want to be around strangers who i don't know at all, and don't really want to. i just want them there for me to do what i please with.

2. my feelings toward the male race: i actually brok up with somebody for me. not them, me. and i did it so he doesn't hate me. i also, for once, am not even interested in going after anybody. what happens, happens.

3. what happened when i was dating him: usually i'm like a total whore with my men, but we didn't even make out, just kisses. soo weird. i didn't even want to do anything else.

4. jealousy factor: seeing couples, excluding one, doesn't make me hate them of the fact that i don't have what they do. i see them, excluding one, and think of how cute they are, then secretly wish them luck. whereas before, i passed out dirty looks like it was my fucking job and wanted to stab them for liking eachother. but but but, little things that never, well not often, bothered me before eat me away.

5. i don't want sex: yea i know weirrrrrrrd. like, don't get me wrong, if it was offered at the right time by anybody from a select list, i would sooo go for it. but, i'm not like chasing it, and i happy with that. please do NOT make comments on this, because i will punch you.

6. my head: i seriously considered shaving my head. i also am planning on hitting up wally world and buying some color and going for a change. yes my mom will FUCKING FREAK, but i don't even really care. it's my hair, if she doesnt like it that's not my problem. i mean what can she really do? ground me? psh i'll still leave when i want.

7. that ^: when did i start actually not caring?

mmk well the list is longer but i don't feel like going on.

get on yo knees bitch.

PARTY.

my birthday is in...29 days[:

and what am i gonna do until then?

PARTY.

then?

PARTY.

after then?

PARTY.

yes yes yes, i love to party, and the word party.

Saran wrap Ashley also loves to party. her and and an

ex of her's happen to love drinking then sex with uhh,

well you can guess the reason she is called Saran wrap Ashley.

gahh honestly. when will i stop laughing at that?

NEVER.

oh oh oh!

taylor decook. aka current object of my affection.

hahahhaha for some reason i just thought of Juno songs.

gahh that kid is amazing.

Dig it.

i want summer sooo bad right now. i'm tired of this stupid snow and cold and not being able to open the windows. grr.

but but but

on a much happier note, my birthday is in 34 days

so that's pretty exciting. and and and im over trevor. i decided that i dont want him back i just want somebody and he was an easy target at the time. but now i have my eye on somebody new, well actually 2 people but one more than the other. and no, neither one is david, because i also decided that david is like my brother.

i really have a lot that i want to say but now i cant

think of any of it and that makes me mad

but oh well.