i'm a mommy and he's the daddy

taylor decook.

so many things i want to say but just can't put into words, a lot of it isn't very nice either. he really just pisses me off to no end, and i drive myself fucking crazy because even though he does, i still always want him around. i suppose that's where i went wrong. i get all wrapped up in how absolutely perfect he seems to me and am completely blind to flaws. actually only one flaw, he wants absolutely nothing to do with me at all. it's just hard ya know? like, today i was suppose to go hangout with him before he had to work and we had like planned it yesterday, and i knew he didn't exactly want me to come over there but he was at least trying to be nice for once so i wasn't going to waste the opportunity. so i text him when i'm getting ready to go and i'm like "so is it still ok if i come over?" and he gets all shitty like i'm the fucking grim reaper or some shit, so i decided fine i just won't go, then i guess he felt bad or something and was like whatever just come over sorry i got all shitty. so as you may have guess at this point i feel really wanted, ha. so i'm driving and i pull out on lima and i just have a complete break down and ball the whole time i'm driving over there. as i'm coming up to his road and i see his house i get all "i don't need him" and decide "you know what, i'm just not going. i'm gonna keep on driving and not say anything to him about it all." so that's, sorta, what i did. went right past the road, i did only go like 6 miles up lima until i decided that if i didn't go over there at all i would just end up all upset later and be all shitty with myself. so i went over there but i still was carrying around that "i don't need him" attitude, and like didn't sit by him while we watched the movie. while i was sitting there though, i kept thinking "you know i'm just gonna be upset if i don't go sit by him at all." but i just couldn't bring myself to go over by him. i didn't feel like lazy at all though just i wouldn't let myself sit by him. eventually though my back started to kill and i had to move by him so i could lay down. but even now i cold really care less that i didn't sit by him longer. when i got home i was thinking about it and stuff and i came up with my actual feelings about taylor. i really like him, like more than i really let on to anybody no matter how much they think i like him. but the thing is, i like just liking him a whole fuck ton, i don't want to date him like i thought and like i told him. if i dated him i would end up eventually, i'm just guessing here, not liking him quite as much. right now just want to be friends with him and that's it. but when i say friends, i mean like actual friends not this shit like i talk to him once a week if i'm lucky. so i want more than i have now, but not nearly as much as he thinks i want from him. and you know, being the mother of his child i think i at least deserve the friends thing.