how i long to say what i want and make it sound how i want. i want to be a writer, but obviously cant be.

you know that something inside of you still

plays a part in what i do always

the opening lyrics to my new found favorite song. it is not a song it is me. of course you may not think that because all music is left to the listeners interpretation. the irony is the person who showed me the song is currently the one who is playing the biggest part of me in way he will never know. i very recently finished a book titled Just Listen, by far one of the top books i have read. this book changed me, it changed how i think, how i feel, how i talk, how i react, how i am. it really is weird because its the typical story line, girl has problems, girl meets boy, boy helps girl with problems, boy and girl are together. but the girls problems seemed so close to my life even though they arent, i mean i dont have a mother whos obsessed with what i do, or a sister with an eating disorder. but her problem, her own problem that nobody knows, was so much like my own the story just hit me. its too personal to be on here but read it and you will know i guess. but the way she keeps everything in and trys to keep everybody around her happy by not doing anything really is how i am. and i knew i was like that but it never clicked how much it was effecting me in everything i do. seeing it being the exact same for a different person, just being put in a different perspective, is what really got me thinking. i am where i am, because of who i am not because of anybody else. its why writing on here in a sensible order or fashion is sooo insanely hard, because i dont know how to say how i feel or what i want. now that i say i am changed, i dont mean over night i became totally different. its a process that im going through, taking what comes as it comes, day by day, changing little by little, but at the same time so quickly. im not sure what im even trying to say here. all i know is this time im not just saying im changing, i actually am. for me.

watering an apple blossom with tears

hey little apple blosssom

what seems to be the problem

all the ones you tell your troubles to

they dont really care for you

come and tell me what your thinking

cause just when the boat is sinking

a little light is blinking

and i will come and rescue you

lots of girls walk around in tears

but thats not for you

you been looking all around for years

for someone to tell your troubles to

come and sit with me and talk a while

let me see your pretty little smile

put your troubles in a littel pile

and i will sort them out for you

i'll fall in love with you

i think i'll marry you.

damn song gets me crying everytime. so does the stupid picture that i can't seem to take off my fucking wall.

Hollister pajama pants and a Girl Scout t-shirt

"I don't think your girlfriend can be your best friend."

I have many opinions about that statement, but no way to convey them. I mean, what can I really say to that? Especially when I already have a hard time saying what I think.

Things I think that you don't know about.

These are my opinions and random things that I want to say but can't.

I have told people I am a compulsive liar, but I really am not, does lying about it make me a compulsive liar?
I try really hard to make people happy with me, but I don't do that for the people I live with.
I get super annoyed at the human population and their abundance of ignorance.
I lie a lot to certain people, but not at all to others, but that makes it really hard for them to believe I don't lie to them.
I think a lot of what will eventually go on this list will be taken the wrong way, and thats why I would never say it out loud.
I sometimes think that I am over-looked as a friend, and that I'm just sorta their for people if they don't have anything better, I'm like a filler.
I'm really scared of the dark, but it's my favorite place to be.
I'm not gonna lie, I think I am two-faced, but not in a bad way, even though that sounds funny. Like I act a way around certain people that I don't around others but that's just because of comfort levels, and I sorta see that as being two-faced.
I almost never assert my opinion because I got tired of always being told I was wrong, and everybody arguing with me over it.
I basically suck at relationships of any kind.
Nobody really knows me and I think that's why I don't really know me.
I think a lot of people argue so other people will think they are right even if they aren't, but I honestly will only argue with you if you are honestly wrong, and if I happen to have been mistaken I will openly admit it.
I don't like be honestly happy because when I am I feel like nothing bad can happen so I say things that other people take offence in.
Sometimes I think I care too much about how other people feel, and other times I feel like I don't care nearly enough.
I have guilt issues, like I will feel wayy too guilty about things that are really nothing to worry about.
I have a complex about taking the last of anything.
I think too much of the world is way too close-minded, chances are I think you are close-minded.
My house is really haunted.
I make up a lot of things I say are facts or statistics but then come to find out they are actually true.
If people really have former lives, I think I was Abraham Lincoln in my former life
I think government is in the top 5 of "Most Retarded Things Ever" list.
Number one on that list though, is organized religion.
I think believing in God is a waist of time, but the belief in greater good is what makes great people.
I think high school debate teams are pointless because cause anything they debate about is not even worth the time or energy.
Someday I want to sit in a Walmart all day and take notes on the way people behave and interact.
I think organization is all in how you look at it.

More will be written.

oh to be stupid must be magical

called me 3 times today. and wanted to call me again tomorrow. only calls when he needs to feel loved and needs to feel power over something. usually a girl thats bugging him cause she doesnt like him, but who could? i did, but i got over that real quick like. well almost quick, i knew before i let anybody else. it was more of a pity relationship, even though he will deny that one hundred percent. he can think, but i will know it was. but how can you tell somebody you dont care without being a bitch? i definantly dont know how thats why i put up with it, pretend to half care and then forget everything he said when he hangs up. i think its too easy sometimes to really not care about what he says at all, especially when at one time i would have killed anyone who acted the way i do towards him. but i really dont care anymore. he is a thing of the past and i wish it would stay that way, thats all ive wanted for the past 8 months is for him to shut the fuck up. and i cant ignore him, well i could. actually i can and i am. so yea nevermind about what i was gonna say. no more new york nick, never ever ever.
now the wisdom of a fire crotch ginger brain.
ignorance is bliss. an over used phrase that is oh so true. which brings us to the socially inapt. you know, the people who sit behind you talking loudly like they know whats up and want everyone to know that they know, when in reality what they say is a load of crap and you know it so they really are just making themselves look even more stupid? or the people who talk like they own your ear and you have no rights to it anymore? you should know the ones im talking about. well the above mention is one such human being. but seriously what is with these people? did they miss the day in preschool when they taught us how to share and be polite and not talk eachothers ears off cause its rude and widely unexcepted? even among the intelligent these awkward beings wonder. it amazes me that they can make it through life as such. i think i would walk around naked before i was one of them. at the same time though i feel for them because they dont know the way they are, and if they do they are some stupid motherfuckers for staying that way. but really they just cant pick up on social cues, or give them out well. thats why they suck at life.
so not wisdomy but it had to be said or i would walk around punching people.

and the world will be blind with color.

anger- a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.

take note of the word "wrong" in the above definition.

wrong- not in accordance with what is morally right or good

now think back over the last few says on what you have eaten. typically the respnose is as follows:

BF- something light, sometimes consisting of a meat product and/or a grain
LN- something more than breakfast, almost always consisting of a meat product
DR- usually more than lunch, always consisting of meat product, usually a grain, and usually a vegetable

now take note of the fact that all of the above meals have the word meat in them. chances are that this meat was bought from a grocery store of some sort. which means that, chances are, this meat came from a machine, not the machine you think of like gears and metal and junk, but and organized system without feelings or a set of morals that does what it is told to do. where the animals are pumped full of synthetic growth hormones and kept in spaces a quarter of the size a normal animal of their breed abosolutely needs to survive. where they are castrated without pain killers after they are forced to breed before they come of proper age, then are brutally slaughtered, then sent someplace where they are further mutalated, and far too often they are not even dead yet, they are still alive and aware of what is going on. now if this was happening to the cute little dog sitting in another part of your house, you would deffinantly object even if it was just a little. they would ask why and you would argue that it was worng because the dog never did anything wrong, blah blah blah. now take note i used the word wrong to describe your argument, now think way far back when you took note of the definition of wrong, the exact word used in the definition of anger. now i ask you, if you are angry with the man tearing your dog apart, why are you not angry with the man tearing your dead cooked cow apart before it even gets to be a dead cooked cow. the meat industry of america is no longer ma and pa farms who kindly kill (yes an oxymoron i am aware) your way to survival.

murder-to kill or slaughter inhumanly or barbarously

mmk now read that definition carefully, memorize it. now re-read the way in which your meat is made for you. is it not the same? now put down the beef jerky, go buy a Smiths' album and look up the effects of your meat eatting behaviors. k? k good.

MEAT IS MURDER. - The Smiths'

tagged!

wishes
1. be with trevor a super long time
2. the sky to rain whatever i want when i want
3. for jackie and brittany not to move
4. an apple tree

destinations
1. kelseyville california, and yes it does exsist
2. belgium
3. argentina
4. rome

careers
1. physcologist
2. potographer
3. chef
4. something to do with studying human behavior

at the gates of heaven i wanna hear
1. they told you it exsisted
2. why didnt you listen?
3. oh well,
4. im glad your here anyway.

victims
uhhhh

Cheers

Cheers to all of the following:
.all the kids who wear what they want because they can, not because they have to
.all the kids who can get high on life and dont judge those who can't
.all the kids who do anything for their friends
.all the kids who don't have to lie and manipulate to be amazing
.all the kids who dance around then have people ask what they're doing
.all the kids who laugh as much as they love
.all the kids who still think the Backstreet Boys are the greatest boy band ever
.all the kids who know exactly what they want
.all the kids who have the courage to not know
.all the kids who don't just pretend to care about the environment because it's what's in
.all the kids who can call local bands there favorite
.all the kids who try to show they care
.all the kids who miss the good old days when boys had cooties and it was ok to push girls in the mud
.all the kids who look forward to getting older anyway
.all the kids who cry or will cry when there friends move away
.all the kids who walk with a purpose and talk at the top of their voice
.all the kids who you don't talk to much anymore but still would be there in a second if you asked
.all the kids who still think its fun to sleep in the grass and climb trees
.all the kids who find fun in life before they find pain
.all the kids who understand that what they believe isn't for everyone
.all the kids who trust until given reason not to
.all the kids who stay up til 3 in the morning just to be there for you
.all the kids who give you lunch money
.all the kids who are growing up with out being a grown up
.all the kids who ask you to pray for a friend who needs it
.all the kids who were there for you when you needed them most

and cheers to the kids who will grow to be the adults who will still do all the same things just because they are a good person who never forgot what it's like to need someone, love someone, and just be someone.

Umm

You know those times where you feel everything at the same time? Like happy, sad, mad, jealousy, generosity, greed, and all the other feelings any human has ever felt? Like when you want to just scream at the top of your lungs in the middle of everyone, with out anybody hearing? Sometimes it's not even every feeling though, just an odd combination of them. Example: I watched Jeepers Creepers for the first time tonight, but when I saw the scary guy not only was I pretty darn scared, to say in a gentle way, but I found myself smiling and I couldn't help it. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you're lucky, but you're also missing out on an important human experience. See, even the importance of it is confusing. But what makes us feel this way? We feel our feelings because of certain chemicals released depending on what happens around us. But what would cause all of these chemicals to be released at the same time? I deffinantly don't have the answer, and I would love to meet the person who does.

Life's a Bitch

So it's been like forever, and I just remembered that I had this thing so I'm trying again. Anyway in the last few days I have learned that if you're not a bitch, life is. Why? Well, I did something that was not too great in the eyes of many a couple days ago, Friday actually, and I told my current significant other of this event and he flipped. The really shitty thing is that I told him I would do it, then I told him that I did it and when we talked about this thing he said he probably wouldnt care if i did it just once. His argument, however, was that I was trying to hide it from him, when I told him 6 hours after it happened because I was too busy to really discuss anything the night of the event. Now he says he doesn't know how he can trust me, when I have never shown any other sign of not being trust worthy. Unfortunatly today happened after Friday. While he was at B-dubs-supporting our school's speech team, of which we are a part- he talked to this girl in my grade and asked if she knew me. Now I don't know the exact details, but the story goes that she started talking shit about how I cheated on every boyfriend I have ever had and that is definantly not true. I have never actually cheated, I will admit one time something happened and closely resembled cheating but it was not. So now I have to beat her up tomorrow and I don't even know who it is yet, but tomorrow will be a fun day, no lie.

just sayin

So, a couple days ago I decided to go completely straight-edge, that did NOT work. I have, however, given up drinking for quite some time. The reason? Half a bottle of Southern Comfort in 10 minutes, alone. Well basically alone, my friend had a little of it, but not enough to keep me from consuming wayyy too much. That night scared me shitless. No lie. I have never thrown up from drinking before, and I tend to way over do it most of the time anyway. This though, this was bad. I spent 3 and a half hours slung over my toilet. Lucky for me I had all my best friends at my house that night, none of which were anywhere near drunk. To make things so much more thoroughly unenjoyable, we had to go to Warped Tour, two hours after I finally stopped getting sick. I woke up still buzzed, and spent a good deal of that morning not knowing what I was doing.

Anyway, this whole thing about telling people about stuff like this is new for me so I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing. But I'm sure I will get better at it.[: